For some time now I have been thinking about killing myself, most people believe that suicide is a selfish cowardly thing to do but for me it's something much different. I am writing this to release all of the thoughts onto something physical so that hopefully I can make some sense out of it and reason myself to another solution. This is in no way glorifying or recommending suicide please understand that this is from a complete psychological cleanse standpoint. As for the reasons there are plenty that range from the Physical pain that my body goes through just by living all the way to the uselessness of my actual life.
Every morning I wake up to another 24 hours of pain starting with literally every joint, bone, and muscle in my body and moving into a kind of sluggish weight pain. This carries on through each and every day without any kind of escape except the times I am fortunate enough to be able to afford enough to roll up a blunt or smoke a bowl. Listing every single injury that still affects me to this day would be nearly impossible and a massive waste of time and lines. The pain isn't some kind of "oh if you stop thinking about it, then it will go away" or even a "It's only occasionally", no its literally every single minute of every day, even relaxing and laying back in my bed / chair isn't much help most of the time.
Psychologically wise I have Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D), Dyslexia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D), Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D), Intense Depression, Mood swings, Anger Issues, Self-Esteem issues, Anti-social issues, and more along with some unknown mental issue that makes me unable to hold any kind of memories or visible imagination in my mind. To put it simply, when most people close their eyes and image their loved ones, or they day dream about the girl they like, I close my eyes and all I can see is darkness. Permanently. Most people would say "Yea, I have that too" or "Oh, that's really common" but I don't believe it's to the extent I see daily. Starting with how each effects me and their reason for being on this list (Since all of them have significant value to this) it's difficult to remember tasks and important things such as bill due dates, and appointments due to the A.D.D, but the worst is when I am trying to remember to do something and my O.C.D realizes / sees something else that is out of place or just not right. From that moment until I fix whatever is out of place I will either be completely distracted by it or I will be in a panic attack state where everything is just too much for me to handle. Due to my M.P.D its difficult to keep important things in my life such as a Job, or even things like Programming projects, and development teams since not all of my personalities agree with each other (on anything) and due to my depression my other personalities use it against me to make me unmotivated and not wanting to do anything unless its what they want me to be doing. Due to my Dyslexia sometimes I will have trouble reading letters and numbers since while I am trying to focus my eyes they start spinning, rotating, and turning into what appears to be different symbols or letters of a foreign language. My mood swings make it difficult to keep a positive perspective on life when the smallest thing can throw me into a extremely depressed state, and I mean literally the smallest most insignificant fucking thing (Being unable to find my glasses for over 30 seconds). My anger is something that doesn't exactly have a direct impact but has a massive impact in the aspect of my relationships with people. Due to everyone in my life using me and treating me like a slave, tool, or garbage, and everyone in my life always blaming me for things that are completely out of my control or even completely in someone else's control I get extremely aggressive when the things I do are not accounted for, or something I didn't do is pinned on me. My self esteem issues branch from being a child sex slave for three years along with every person I have ever trusted and/or cared about has cheated on me, stole from me, screwed me over, left me homeless, or spread rumors and stories about me to other people behind my back. This also leads to my Anti-Socialness since literally every single person in this world that I have met except a select handful (Probably like 3 people) are greedy, selfish, and will do anything to benefit themselves even if it means cheating or stealing from the people who trust and care about them the most. The worst part for me is the family aspect. My mother kicked me out of the house when I was seven and didn't even care to check if I was alive until I was ten. My father fled the country due to the legal battle with my mother over their divorce since my mother is Psychotic and my father was unable to live with her watching her get worse every day. The only people to care about me were my older sister and my younger brother, both of which I lost contact with completely for the majority of my life due to my mother. Everywhere I look and everywhere I go all I am told is that your family is the only people that will always be there for you and even as a kid that is what I was told for my entire life, until I realized that for most people that might be how it is. For me I have no one. My entire life I have been alone and never had anyone else to ever look after me or care for me. Even my best friend that I lived with for the three years my mother kicked me out and our two other friends died before I had even turned fourteen.
Now that you have read this, or just skipped to the bottom thinking "Man what a fucking pity trip" I would like to tell you that you're an extremely valuable person and that your opinion is more important than anything else in the world, but I am not a liar so I will tell you flat out that I don't want pity and I don't want handouts. I just want to die. Unfortunately I am unable to pursue that path since my girlfriend (2 Years and going) would be affected massively and it would probably send her to her grave too because of the fact that we are the only things keeping each other alive in this hell hole.
Every morning I wake up to another 24 hours of pain starting with literally every joint, bone, and muscle in my body and moving into a kind of sluggish weight pain. This carries on through each and every day without any kind of escape except the times I am fortunate enough to be able to afford enough to roll up a blunt or smoke a bowl. Listing every single injury that still affects me to this day would be nearly impossible and a massive waste of time and lines. The pain isn't some kind of "oh if you stop thinking about it, then it will go away" or even a "It's only occasionally", no its literally every single minute of every day, even relaxing and laying back in my bed / chair isn't much help most of the time.
Psychologically wise I have Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D), Dyslexia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D), Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D), Intense Depression, Mood swings, Anger Issues, Self-Esteem issues, Anti-social issues, and more along with some unknown mental issue that makes me unable to hold any kind of memories or visible imagination in my mind. To put it simply, when most people close their eyes and image their loved ones, or they day dream about the girl they like, I close my eyes and all I can see is darkness. Permanently. Most people would say "Yea, I have that too" or "Oh, that's really common" but I don't believe it's to the extent I see daily. Starting with how each effects me and their reason for being on this list (Since all of them have significant value to this) it's difficult to remember tasks and important things such as bill due dates, and appointments due to the A.D.D, but the worst is when I am trying to remember to do something and my O.C.D realizes / sees something else that is out of place or just not right. From that moment until I fix whatever is out of place I will either be completely distracted by it or I will be in a panic attack state where everything is just too much for me to handle. Due to my M.P.D its difficult to keep important things in my life such as a Job, or even things like Programming projects, and development teams since not all of my personalities agree with each other (on anything) and due to my depression my other personalities use it against me to make me unmotivated and not wanting to do anything unless its what they want me to be doing. Due to my Dyslexia sometimes I will have trouble reading letters and numbers since while I am trying to focus my eyes they start spinning, rotating, and turning into what appears to be different symbols or letters of a foreign language. My mood swings make it difficult to keep a positive perspective on life when the smallest thing can throw me into a extremely depressed state, and I mean literally the smallest most insignificant fucking thing (Being unable to find my glasses for over 30 seconds). My anger is something that doesn't exactly have a direct impact but has a massive impact in the aspect of my relationships with people. Due to everyone in my life using me and treating me like a slave, tool, or garbage, and everyone in my life always blaming me for things that are completely out of my control or even completely in someone else's control I get extremely aggressive when the things I do are not accounted for, or something I didn't do is pinned on me. My self esteem issues branch from being a child sex slave for three years along with every person I have ever trusted and/or cared about has cheated on me, stole from me, screwed me over, left me homeless, or spread rumors and stories about me to other people behind my back. This also leads to my Anti-Socialness since literally every single person in this world that I have met except a select handful (Probably like 3 people) are greedy, selfish, and will do anything to benefit themselves even if it means cheating or stealing from the people who trust and care about them the most. The worst part for me is the family aspect. My mother kicked me out of the house when I was seven and didn't even care to check if I was alive until I was ten. My father fled the country due to the legal battle with my mother over their divorce since my mother is Psychotic and my father was unable to live with her watching her get worse every day. The only people to care about me were my older sister and my younger brother, both of which I lost contact with completely for the majority of my life due to my mother. Everywhere I look and everywhere I go all I am told is that your family is the only people that will always be there for you and even as a kid that is what I was told for my entire life, until I realized that for most people that might be how it is. For me I have no one. My entire life I have been alone and never had anyone else to ever look after me or care for me. Even my best friend that I lived with for the three years my mother kicked me out and our two other friends died before I had even turned fourteen.
Now that you have read this, or just skipped to the bottom thinking "Man what a fucking pity trip" I would like to tell you that you're an extremely valuable person and that your opinion is more important than anything else in the world, but I am not a liar so I will tell you flat out that I don't want pity and I don't want handouts. I just want to die. Unfortunately I am unable to pursue that path since my girlfriend (2 Years and going) would be affected massively and it would probably send her to her grave too because of the fact that we are the only things keeping each other alive in this hell hole.
Thanks to anyone reading, sorry to bring something so dark and depressing onto this blog but I felt like Mercy needed a friend and I am in the middle of a massive depression mood swing :)
ReplyDelete